I've been M.I.A

Hello people,
I'm sorry I've been M.I.A, so many things have been going on. Our little princess is here, motherhood is exciting but it kicks butt. Hope everyone has been well. Shout out to "Braids" and Koinonia.
Update on my folks.God has done a great thing, a miracle actually. It was really rough in between, but they have now settled their differences and I pray they really leave me out of their affairs from here on out.
Update on my professional exam. I re-registered and I started studying again, as much as I can with my little precious one demanding so much lol. I love that little cookie. Thanks for everyone that checked in, I appreciate you guys. I hope to be back soon.

NewLife

Sweet Mother, Not!

*long post alert*
I remember that day when I was 8 or 9 years old, my birthday was the very next day. We were driving by a store and you gave me some money, I asked what for? you said to go in and buy myself a birthday card for the next day. That stayed with me and made me wonder, what kind of mother does that.

Fast forward to age 11, we were 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy and then the only sister that I had passed, she was 14 at the time. I didn't quite understand what all that meant, then I realized it meant she was never ever coming back home, my playing buddy was gone. There was the mourning and the crying then you did your thing again, "sweet mother", you said not just once that the only "real child" you had has died and you no longer have children. Meaning my brother and I didn't count.

Fast forward to age 16, I was very ill and instead of taking me to the hospital, you asked my brother to find a way to get me there,while you stayed at home with the cars parked. We had to get to our far destination by public transportation including a good amount of walking from one bus stop to the other, I was dizzy and felt like I would pass out at any moment. I was given antibiotics and sent back home and then I believe it was the next day or so, I wasn't getting better, my father then drove me to the hospital, at which point the physician did a thorough assessment and told my father he was glad he didn't wait any longer to bring me in because I would have died. Yup, I had a bad case of pneumonia. I was admitted for 3-4 days,you told dad to ask me one of those days what I wanted you to bring to the hospital the next day, I asked for apples. You came just once during those 3-4 days, dropped the apples off and left. I even knew back then that "mothers" were not supposed to do that, especially when dad was the one that worked and you didn't.

Between ages 16 and 19, I ran away from home many times, you never once looked for me, but my father always did and even when I returned, it appeared you could care less if I was dead or alive.

Fast forward to age 24, I got pregnant and was unmarried, still in college, I just felt lost and confused. You were the "christian" of the family and you insisted that I had no choice but to abort my child, ha! and I let you know point blank, I was not going to right a wrong with a wrong(abortion after fornication). This baby was here to stay. We didn't talk for months and that was that

I never felt loved by you, I was never nurtured by you. You were never really a mother to me, and some how while I was growing up you just expected that I would turn out fine on my own I guess, you never put in the work but expected results and when you didn't see those results, I was the "bad child". I remember being so confused while growing up, I just didn't have any foundation or reference point to pull from in my decision making.

I'm a wife and a mother now with another on the way and I struggle not wanting to be anything like you. Having another child on the way now opens up some wounds. I really could care less if you came once our bundle of joy is born because you are just not the nurturing kind. I feel like when I needed you the most as a single mother, you turned your back on me again even though my father asked if you would help me with the baby so I could finish school, you eventually did 6mths later on your own terms with mumbling and grumbling, its makes it very hard to appreciate that. You said crazy things to my father to show that my child was a burden on you but you didn't know I got to hear about them. My mother and MIL live outside the country, I remember when we called my mother in law to break the news about our bundle of joy, she wanted to jump out of the phone with excitement and then we called you and you were just "blah" about it. Now, you want to play like its all good and you will like to come when our bundle of joy arrives and I can't help but look back to when I really needed you. Thank God, my life is great now, I have a loving and supportive husband, I have a the world's best MIL and I can't wait to see her when she comes to visit when our bundle of joy is here.

I see how awful you treat my father and his major complain is that you were never really a wife to him, this reminds me every time just how awful of a mother you were to me and my brother. We are on speaking terms now and it appears its all good but I know I still resent you. Don't get married if you are not ready or willing to be a wife and please don't have children if you are not ready or willing to have children, don't just dump the children and expect them to raise themselves.

I find it hard to share this with hubby because I don't want him to judge you like my father judges you with your mother. I'm reading this book now
Freedom From Your Past by Jimmy Evans, its a must read because I truly believed I was over and set free spiritually from all the issues from my past. I confronted the issues about 4 years ago, and I told myself I forgave you but how do you forgive and still have resentments? I'm still reading it and this is just my 1st step of confronting these issues once and for all hopefully.

I can't blame you for the mistakes I made in the past because I am ultimately responsible for my actions. My only prayer is that I'm a much better mother than you and that mothers out there will take the time to spend time with and really nurture their children.

Doubt

The memories are still raw and just about a week old. I guess I should still expect these emotions every now and again. God has been good too me in so many ways that I lost count. However I was devastated about a week ago when I took my professional exam and failed for the 2nd time. I have to struggle with feeling like a failure, I 've been told that some people have to take it up to 5 times before they pass. However, that has not been comforting to me, because then I think, why can't I be one of those that pass it at the 1st try.
I sometimes wonder if this is a sign, is this career path God's will for my life? or did I just simply fail the exam and should plan to retake it. I studied, shut myself off from the world for weeks, I prayed and I was actually confident that I would pass it this time, but I didn't!
Some where deep inside, when I pray now, I wonder if God still answers prayers, I wonder what I did wrong to deserve this,I know this sounds ridiculous because its just a professional exam. I still know the truth, though its hard to grasp these days. I know He has a plan for my life even though I may not recognize it now, hubby says perhaps it will be revealed to me at a later time.
In the meantime I will take it one step at a time. Like hubby says, I should be thankful that at least I'm in a good place in my life now, I may not be moving forward career-wise but at least I'm not moving backwards.
I love my hubby, he's the best. He has been so supportive, he actually left work to come home to comfort me when I was having a melt-down on the day of, after I failed the exam. He is one way for sure, that God has been good to me.
I hope everyone is doing good *hugs*

Be true to thine self

I was taking a moment to reflect on my marriage and ...
I will like to applaud those that took the time to build the foundation in their relationship/marriage. We did and its value keeps repaying for it self. I don't believe any of us know all the answers but there are are just some uncompromisable factors in a relationship, one is being comfortable within ones self, not just flowing with the wind of the world. Knowing who you are and whose you are, knowing the Almighty who has got your back in and at all times.
Some people get busy in planning what the "big" wedding is supposed to look like, the house with the white picket fence, the cars, the superficial image of what society says marriage is supposed to look like and then they wonder what went wrong, why did everything crumble. Jesus said, "Anyone who hears my teaching and ignores it, is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. Anyone who listens to my teaching and obeys it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock."

In my reflection, I found myself thanking God for bringing me so far. I thank God that I'm broken from those chains, I'm sure its a combination of factors, learned behavior from family, the media, friends and society.
There is something very empowering about total surrender to The One who sees and knows my future, my beginning, my end and all the in between, why then did i struggle so much with Him back then, I'm so thankful I'm now on the right track.
The truth now is I couldn't have planned the way my life turned out all by myself without His guidance. I find myself often in awe of my heavenly father and all that He has brought me through.

Something many couples may ignore is attending authentic christain premarital/marital counselling, it should teach about the order of things, God 1st of course, love, respect, humility, selflessness etc. Once things are in the right order, its amazing how everything else falls into place.
It helps to guard your eyes, your ears from the shows you watch, what you read, who you talk to, the kind of music you listen to etc, these avenues plant seeds for a long time to come, that's why sometimes you may wonder where some of the things you do come from

Pray about what may seem like the inconsequential things and let God surprise you over and over :). I was feeling a void within myself and my hubby since our last fight, though we were getting along just great after wards, I explained it away that I was just hurt and it will heal with time. Until, I was reminded that I had to be intentional about the healing, I couldn't wait for time to do it for me. Leaving that emotional distance is not a good place to be, I decided I wasn't going to fall into the rot of this is what happens in marriage after some time. Suddenly it clicked for me! pray about that void and I can say now that I feel as close to my hubby as I was before the fight. Its just the kind of God I serve.

Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a great weekend. Ciao!

Parental drama

I'm overwhelmed with my thoughts.
My parents have been fighting like cats and dogs and have now some how intensified how they involve their children after or during the crazy fights by reporting one another to the children. My father has shared gory details of things that happened as far back as 40years ago between them that should be left between a husband and a wife, I resent him for that. It appears that he's bent on destroying her image with the children but it ain't going to work.
I find myself being resentful of them at times because I hate that with almost 40 years of marriage, they still don't have it together. That's one of the reasons I married my hubby, because there seemed to be stability in his family. I resent that a foundation was not built for me as a woman, in terms of what a good marriage should be. I strongly believe that every good parent owes their children that. I resent that all their children are now married except one in his late teens and they continue to show him these awful examples. I am now at a point where I dread picking up their phone calls, because I know mom is about to say something else about dad and vice versa.
I'm disappointed because I expect much more from them and I have no respect whatsoever for this kind of behavior.
Yes, I've tried to talk to them individually, they both do not have a teachable spirit and they shout you down when you try to let them see things a certain way, they automatically believe that you are taking sides with the other, so immature!
They are both church going Christians and I'm left to wonder what they are learning at those services.
Sad part is, I can't share the nasty details with my hubby because quite frankly they are embarrassing. So I get this silly phone calls from my parents, wanting to know if "I'm there alone" so they can unleash their crazy drama on me, one more time.
At this point, I'm resolved to no longer getting involved to the best of my ability, they have a lot of baggage over 40years or marriage and dating and I ain't no professional marriage counselor.
I believe as life partners, we have a responsibility to call one and another when we are doing wrong or when our life principles are a little warped, my parents had some pretty warped ideas while raising us, it doesn't appear that they called each other to order, and now I see them applying those same principles to one another and I can't help but think, well you deserve each other and that's what you get!

Hmmm I feel a little better now after writing this.

Another womans sudden interest in my hubby

I find it interesting that people see what you have and they want it for themselves. I mean in wanting your partner for themselves. I'm convinced some women even tell themselves thats not not they are doing. I'm just glad hubby and I discussed boundaries with people outside of our marriage just recently.
Seeing pictures of a happily married couples makes my heart smile and sometimes I wonder what war is being waged against them.
I guess its a reminder that we have to be praying wives/husbands. Putting a covering over our partners as they head out into the world. There's a woman at work that has suddenly taken an interest in my hubby, may my heavenly Father sabotage all her plans and intentions if they are not for the good of our marriage. Challenges will come, I choose not to deal with it in fear, for my God has not given me the spirit of fear, but that of power and a sound mind.

lesson number ?

Another lesson learned:

There are no guarantees in love, in marriage. I look at photographs and see what once was for some couples , makes me wonder what went wrong, where and why. Then I became of those people, everything came crashing down and I never even saw it coming. Until my instincts told me something just wasn't right. Then it all exploded, then for the 1st time, I really saw my life without him and it was painful, all so painful. We have now reconciled, we talked deeper than we ever have and I realized the areas where things went wrong and the things I took for granted. The scariest thing is, if someone had asked me a day or two before how I rated my marriage, I would say, I had a great marriage and then BOOM! but my husband was not happy and we had not taken inventory of our marriage together for a while. We were living day to day, learned to tolerate each other more. There were no explosive arguments, we didn't even know this was even more dangerous point for us because no one was expressing how they truly felt.
I'm still disappointed, I must say, because there are really no guarantees, no matter how hard you may think you are trying. Hopefully its just because the wounds are still fresh. I love my husband and I know he loves me... We are both committed to making this work. I think this just takes us to another level of commitment in this mysterious institute called marriage.
Even though we have reconciled and are on the right track, we will be going to counseling and I hope this opens our eyes even more.
My goal is not to sound like a pessimist about marriage, I would still say its very worth it, I'm glad to have married my husband. This is just sharing one of my lessons learned as the title of my blog states. Hope everyone has been doing good, I'm looking forward to getting this memorial day w/end started. Ciao people.

I'm over it

Marriage is challenging

My emotions are raw and all over the place
I am aware that they are just that and the emotions will change
For now i am really upset
We have not been talking, about the deep stuff like we should,
Frankly I'm tired of being the one bringing such things up
The only time that I get to hear what bothers him is when I bring up something that bothers me
For now hubby said hes just going to live his life (words are powerful, very powerful)
and I replied- I will just live mine then and we see where it goes
well on that note
the couch is my bed tonight. I really don't care about the consequences right about now!


UPDATE:
Hubby and I resolved the issue, found out that I misunderstood his statement. I know that was really silly to sleep on the couch, I did it just that once. I realized that I was reflecting the frustrations I had with my mother on my hubby. I found myself reliving the bad experiences I had growing up with my mother who is visiting with us at this time. I thought I had forgiven her, but there were triggers that I just could not shake off. Anyways I will continue to work through those issues. I thought about deleting the post but at the same time I decided not to. I don't want to create a false impression because no one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, you have to control your anger or your anger will control you. It is indeed a learning process :)

marital S.E.X is yummy

Waiting to get married before having sex has been PRICELESS! I heard about this before getting married, but didn't understand till I got to experience it for myself. Sex outside of marriage is really not what its cut out to be, I promise. Gods words and principles are just more real to me, like my own a ha moment.

The immense peace from the covering over our marriage just by the sacrifices we made before we made our lifetime commitment is so comforting, the major things we did included fasting and praying for about 2 weeks, surrendering every aspect of our future into Gods hands. We were in a LDR, we went from seeing each other every month to not seeing each other for about 5-6mths, even though we talked multiple times on the phone daily, it was hard but really worth it. We made sure premarital sex was not an option since we struggled with it in the past.

I learned that, though things may seem hard at the moment, as long as its for and about God, He rewards way beyond things that I can even see. If you are celibate, stand your ground, I'm proud of you, If you are not, please make a change.
Premarital sex is truly scum compared to divine love making in marriage :) I just really wish people really understood that.

Its been a great 10 months since I said I do. Things I learned:

God is really good and He blessed me with a truly wonderful guy
The marriage class we attended in church is the best $60 we have ever spent.
Patience
Selflessness: listening to the unspoken words of hubby, there are times he just really needs space or may be having a bad day.
Watching my words and my thoughts. Keeping it positive! positive! positive!
The security of unconditional love, and yes, there are very few times I may not really like hubby and vice versa :)
The security I have that my relationship with hubby was built and renewed in Christ before and after our marriage, therefore our marriage is built on a solid rock/foundation.


The ones that surprised me:
How jealous and protective I can be over my hubby, lol had to pray about that one
The 1st couple of months after getting married, I was overwhelmed with the frequent love making, going from none to everyday just threw me off a little bit lol
Thanks for stopping by. Be blessed

photo credit: photobucket

my wedding night

contd

It was an interesting night, I was plain exhausted, some of the anxiety was still there of course, but not as bad lol. We had fun at the party , it was all so surreal. Then the party was over.... I was trying to help in cleaning the venue, my mentor was there and of course, she kept saying its time to go, "get out of here", "go get ready for your husband", the whole nine "go take a nice shower" "wear something nice" blah blah lol. I was so shy. Anyways we had company at the house, my dearest hubby previously agreed no show until the honeymoon. Well, lets just say he didnt keep his word lol. I was shy in the morning and felt so self conscious like Ive been found out by our guests. anyways life has been blissful ever since, had a great time at our honey moon getaway.

pic from PHOTOBUCKET

Shes back!!!!

Thank you favoured girl for showing me love. Married life has been soooooo good to me. Life has been intense, combining work,marriage, graduate school.
I wanted to blog sooner, however hubby and I share the same computer now and I really didn't want him to know my blog lol; not that I have something to hide, just that its like him reading my diary
Ill tell you what, I couldn't ask for anything more in a life partner... I will update soon about the wedding night and the few months that have followed.

Count down...3 more days

Wow.. I'm anxious no more, I'm now so excited that I get to be joined to the love of my life. I can't believe its me. I just didn't think it would happen to me. I was wretched, I was broken, I was lost. Yet my Faithful Father gave me a new life,a new walk, a new song. Words cannot express how good Gods been to me, makes me teary eyed right now. Words will never be able to express how I stand in awe of Him. He renewed my spirit. He gives me favor, He makes me worthy though I'm so unworthy. He calls me His child comforts me when no one else is near. Ain't He good? can anybody feel me?
Blogville this wasn't supposed to be happening to me. Once upon a time, i didn't know who I was, I was so lost and this ain't no cliche, now I'm found. I walk with my head up high, unashamed.My past is behind, my present is all wrapped up in the biggest bow, and my future is so bright all to the glory of God.

Never thought I would be here, never even knew that the life I have now even existed, yet my almighty God orchestrated every single detail and all I do is stand in awe of Him. I am going to marry the love of my life in 3 days, I stand amazed by him, I don't look at myself as a gift to him alone, I look at him as a gift directly from heaven just for me, just to think I used to settle for less. I thank God that these past couple of years have really transformed who I am in Christ and who I am as a person. Just once upon a time, I thought abstinence was impossible, look at me now, look at us now. Now I just smile to myself, because my biggest desire was that my husband would be so excited about me when we got married, by that I mean for us to have something to look forward not when we've done it all; and boy is he excited, I feel so valued, special, loved, irresistible, desired, all the good words you can think of. That right there is PRICELESS. There is absolutely nothing in the world that compares to it, no condemnation just pure bliss to come.

Thank you guys for reading and I appreciate all your support.

Anxiety about the "do" on wedding night

E ma gba mi o.(somebody save me from myself) I really cant believe I am genuinely anxious about doing the do on my wedding night. I'm getting married in just a couple of weeks, yes I'm excited about it, but this underlying "thing" dare I say fear is still underneath. To make it more ridiculous, I'm not a virgin, wish I was but that's another story, I've been abstinent though, practicing secondary virginity, maybe thats just what its all about.

Is this normal?, I think its about the expectation that sex is going to happen or is supposed to happen. Ive never really heard this discussed, I can expect it from a virgin but...me? anyways I told one of my closest friends and she couldnt believe it either. Now I just wonder...I pray this is not some kind of underlying issue o lol. I'm not nervous about getting married within itself but this other "koko" is quickly approaching and I find my heart beating fast...

I love him dearly lol I tried to hint my "Mr" but I guess he didnt take me too seriously. I just left it alone so I dont ruin his night for him.

CONFESSION
To blogville, I have since willingly,"good wifeyingly" so generously encouraged a family member to come over from out of town and stay the night, the night of the wedding,we leave for the honey moon the next day LOL well that took some pressure off, till the next day @ least, yes I know, thats awful, but we'll see what happens
(photobucket picture)

What will be my Legacy?

from http://www.billygraham.org/RBG_biography.asp

my second post for the day but still....

I was drawn to return to Ruth Bell Grahams (Billy Grahams wife) page today, I think its becasue I recalled her effortless beauty,I read her biography and then I looked at her photos, I watched as she aged beautifully through the years in those pictures, I was touched about how wonderful she was especially how she was with her husband, she made me think.. I want to be like that. With her death I was reminded this life is nothing but a vapor.
I looked at the life she had in her photos, with friends and with family, did she know? was she aware? that all this was but just a moment in time. I think she did from reading her poems. On one of the pictures on the memorial site was a picture of Reagan and his wife, captured in a moment in time, it made me remember the sad look on Reagans wife's Nancy's face when the one she loved was gone, the compassion with which she parted his coffin.

Then I wonder, why do I worry? why do I fuss? will all that really matter in the end. And then I remember no matter what life may bring, "whatever my lot, my Lord as taught me to say it is well with my soul"

When all is said and done, what then will my family say,would I have been that back bone that they needed, my fiance maybe at the time my husband, my children, my friends, strangers, would I have treated them gently, be more patient with them, showed them the love of Christ that is burning within me. Would I have completed my purpose, be totally selfless, putting others needs above mine, loving unconditionally, not getting worked up with the little things, giving enough grace to others when they wrong me. What would be my legacy?

Sex and everything else but...

1 Timothy 4
The Great Apostasy

1 Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons, 2 speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron, 3 forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from foods which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. 4 For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused if it is received with thanksgiving; 5 for it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer.

I wasnt quite prepared for this reality as I read the Word this morning, it just hit me smack dab in the face. As the world is changing, we can already follow its events written in the bible. I thank God for saving my life and my soul. Once upon a time I bought into "the lie" about marriage, beauty, sexuality. It saddens me when I watch some of the world around me buy into it as well. I watched Oprah and her views on marriage, then I watched as Halle berry followed suit, "defining" marriage between her and her baby daddy, it is all ludicrous. I agree people have been hurt, at the same time truth does not change. People define happiness yet you find them committing suicide, committing murder and you wonder what went wrong.

Moving in together, oh thats the in thing, it shows you are committed I guess, its a lie, its deception, its not cool and its selling yourself short. Why is it that people choose to settle for the lower standard, it saddens me a great deal when I hear this. People have stopped going to church, they have stopped hearing the Word, and they wonder why things are the way that they are. The Word of God is the radar that leads us on the right path

Nudity, our bodies are the temple of the Holy spirit, shouldnt we be leaving more to the imagination, but it is not so, and the sad thing is, people have stopped telling the truth to one another, things get sugar coated and they tell you what you are doing is ok, its not! wrong is wrong! and the truth is they may say its ok,but they leave this part out that its ok as long as you are not their sister, mother or wife, go figure! Yet some really just dont care, it makes you wonder, what moral standard are they operating under?, no wonder rape, murder, infidelity etc are rampant

Religion/spirituality, its now cool to explore new age, buddha, islam, christainity etc as advocated by hollywood, its the "in" thing it shows you are grounded I guess, but it is all falsehood, it makes no sence,you cannot serve two masters period! regardless of what the mini gods in hollywood promote,just like I heard in a Nigerian saying, too many hands cant't go in the pot, because it ruins the food.
The last couple of times I was at Barnes and Nobles, I sat down for a while, and it happened to be across from where "the new age"/ "palm reading" stuff were and I was shocked each time, it just made it all so real, people really really really believe in this stuff, the number of people that came to pick up books in that section compared to other sections flawed me.

As for me, Christ has been good to me, He is the only way, He continues to open my eyes and I am eternally grateful.

E mi na re Oluwa

I was lying down on my couch reminiscing and thinking about my future, suddenly this song broke out in my spirit

E mi na re... Oluwa
E mi na re...Oluwa
Mo wa dupe ore amodun mo odun (blessings adding from years to years)
mo wa dupe ore amosu mo osu (blessings adding from months to months)
mo wa dupe ore igba gbo gbo (this part of the song was the ultimate reminder of His numerous blessings at all times)
emi na re... Oluwa

some of the yoruba words may not be spelled correctly but hey I tried..lol

Well, I'm thankful for having a God that never fails me,and the One that is always there. Grad school is hectic, it could be a little unravelling at times, I've been just a little discouraged about my grades the past couple of days, playing with a couple of "what ifs" in my mind. I just really want better grades I know who doesnt right? :D but I resolve to remembering Gods word and studying even harder. Anybody reading please pray for me o . I'm just maxed out now with school, work and more school but I have a dream... and I am not through yet with God on my side. The bible says FEAR NOT!

HEBREWS 13:6 NRSV
6 So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will
not be afraid. What can anyone do to me?"

ISAIAH 41:10 NIV
10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I
am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold
you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 were the words I needed to hear today and this from today's word by Joel Osteen...

Believing in God and trusting Him is easy when everything is going well, and there doesn’t seem to be anything bothering you. But to truly declare God’s goodness even when trials and confusion surround you is really trusting God. God is so good to you, He wants you to grow, mature, and learn from so many different situations.

So even when things don’t make sense, keep a positive attitude knowing that God has your best interests at heart. You don’t always have to figure it out on your own, or go around living with a chip on your shoulder toward life. You can choose to trust God in everything, and live freely experiencing His blessing in your life!

Be blessed today and always

Lonliness and emptiness

My home was full this summer, and frankly I thought I couldnt wait till it emptied out, I'm not experienced at hosting I guess. It took a lot out of me,especially since it was my parents too, I had to reverence them . I've been gone from home for about 10years now and just so used to having my space to myself.

Anyways the space was tight, the demands were high and there were times that I had just had it, there were times I was cranky. Now I look back and wonder what that was all about, I wish I had a little one to litter my space, get on my nerves, parents to give their unsolicited advice about life and situations. I forgot what lonliness felt like, I had adapted so well over the years, I dont even how to deal with it now, life seems so empty but it goes on. I'm happy everyone got back home safely. thank God.

I was just thinking just how so easy it is to take the ones you care about for granted, there were times I was so overwhelmed with what was going on in my life to appreciate them being around. Not until I got back to the house after dropping them off at the airport and the silence was deafening driving me to tears. I was just so used to coming back to someone at home, little princess playing hide and seek. Time flew by and the silence I so longed for, now I cant stand...

But I'll be ok, I just appreciate family a little better now

All eyes on you Jesus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8du_xWWt8E&feature=related

lol dont know how to post videos

Whats real? whats pure?, that which is eternal
I want people to see You and not me Lord, all eyes on you Lord :D I celebrate you Father.

"I dont want to gain the whole world and lose my soul.... food for thought,please dont let us be consumed and please forgive us for things that fight for our love and our passion, may your kingdom be what wakes us up and lays us down"

This song struck me once again this evening


But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees;[a] for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart

ok this verse just triggered something..

haha how true, I'm really puzzled by my Nigerian parents, when they say things like thats "a good kid" or thats a "a bad kid" and I'm thinking to myself "how do you know that? how do you pass such judgement, apparently its about how the person looks or acts, it really doesnt matter all the other possiblities like having a miserable day blah blah. Boy oh boy I guess I got the bad kid name tag with some of my friends parents back in high school, why? see me see trouble o, when I was actually the good one compared to their kids anyways. I had the "out going" look I suppose and I didnt know how to play the naija "sign of respect" politics very well(yoruba people will understand), guess what lol I've learned o, ehn when I double on those knees greeting this people like this lol well, I guess that makes me "a good kid" so there u have it.

Few years back I met someone who is now a good friend of mine, after church service (we had just met) said to me that she didnt expect me to be so "spiritual" lol see me see trouble o. I let loose when I'm in church, its just me and my God there, I dance not caring whos watching, i beg He has brought me this far, no one else will understand, apparently you cant have an outgoing look and personality without being a regular club attender, drink mucho alcohol, get sexed up every minute or just simply love Jesus with reckless abandon...

lol I just remebered another one, I was seeing a guy briefly before I left Nigeria who said he wasnt ready for me to meet his parents why? help me beg o, he said because I was well endowed that his parents would think I was really out there like that, and getting sexed up good,(double take- confused look) thats why my chest got so big, seeeeee meeee seee trouble o hahahahahahah he better be lucky I was one naive teenager back then or else hiss lol

ok I just had a good laugh all by myself- that felt good

Aint't He good?

PHILIPPIANS 1:6 NASB
6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a
good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Ain't He good? His word gives me life, the One who cleanses me and brings me to perfection. I am flesh and I am in a broken world yet He gives me hope and He gives me strength to carry on each day. He leads me through a beautiful pathway although sometimes it may be thorny...

Deuteronomy 30:19 (New International Version)
I choose life because He said... This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

This generational thing is no joke, it amazes me when I observe a family, a pattern ensues it could be from divorce, seperation, attitudes etc I have studied mine and those things stop right there. I am carrying on a new legacy, a new generation so help me God. My prayer is to carry on purity, Godliness,tenderness, goodness bottom line a generation that reperesents God deeply and truly. I am not saying this haas not been present in the generations past, but as with all things it could be better. My prayer is for God to grant me with all patience and perseverence.

And I seal it with.. PHILIPPIANS 2:13 LB (paraphrased by using me instead of "you")
13 "For God is at work within me, helping me want to obey Him and then helping me do what He wants.

Speak God's word,think God's Word, and do God's Word

Phil 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

This is one of my favorite verses and frankly I haven't thought about it in a while. As I was having some thoughts, the Holy spirit I would like to beleive reminded me of this verse, just at the time when I was not thing noble, lovely or thinking of good reports. I have made this a prayer point before that the Holy spirit would remind me of Gods word just when I need it. Now today, I feel a lot of relief, because my "Can do" spirit is back, by following the verse above. I see the world in a different light. To top it off I ran into the verse below while looking for Phil 4:8

Phil 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus

Gods peace really surpasses all understanding, its a place I like to dwell and always wish could last forever, although life tries to take it away sometimes with its hustle and bustle, I'm forever grateful for those special moments I have shared in it.