Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sweet Mother, Not!

*long post alert*
I remember that day when I was 8 or 9 years old, my birthday was the very next day. We were driving by a store and you gave me some money, I asked what for? you said to go in and buy myself a birthday card for the next day. That stayed with me and made me wonder, what kind of mother does that.

Fast forward to age 11, we were 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy and then the only sister that I had passed, she was 14 at the time. I didn't quite understand what all that meant, then I realized it meant she was never ever coming back home, my playing buddy was gone. There was the mourning and the crying then you did your thing again, "sweet mother", you said not just once that the only "real child" you had has died and you no longer have children. Meaning my brother and I didn't count.

Fast forward to age 16, I was very ill and instead of taking me to the hospital, you asked my brother to find a way to get me there,while you stayed at home with the cars parked. We had to get to our far destination by public transportation including a good amount of walking from one bus stop to the other, I was dizzy and felt like I would pass out at any moment. I was given antibiotics and sent back home and then I believe it was the next day or so, I wasn't getting better, my father then drove me to the hospital, at which point the physician did a thorough assessment and told my father he was glad he didn't wait any longer to bring me in because I would have died. Yup, I had a bad case of pneumonia. I was admitted for 3-4 days,you told dad to ask me one of those days what I wanted you to bring to the hospital the next day, I asked for apples. You came just once during those 3-4 days, dropped the apples off and left. I even knew back then that "mothers" were not supposed to do that, especially when dad was the one that worked and you didn't.

Between ages 16 and 19, I ran away from home many times, you never once looked for me, but my father always did and even when I returned, it appeared you could care less if I was dead or alive.

Fast forward to age 24, I got pregnant and was unmarried, still in college, I just felt lost and confused. You were the "christian" of the family and you insisted that I had no choice but to abort my child, ha! and I let you know point blank, I was not going to right a wrong with a wrong(abortion after fornication). This baby was here to stay. We didn't talk for months and that was that

I never felt loved by you, I was never nurtured by you. You were never really a mother to me, and some how while I was growing up you just expected that I would turn out fine on my own I guess, you never put in the work but expected results and when you didn't see those results, I was the "bad child". I remember being so confused while growing up, I just didn't have any foundation or reference point to pull from in my decision making.

I'm a wife and a mother now with another on the way and I struggle not wanting to be anything like you. Having another child on the way now opens up some wounds. I really could care less if you came once our bundle of joy is born because you are just not the nurturing kind. I feel like when I needed you the most as a single mother, you turned your back on me again even though my father asked if you would help me with the baby so I could finish school, you eventually did 6mths later on your own terms with mumbling and grumbling, its makes it very hard to appreciate that. You said crazy things to my father to show that my child was a burden on you but you didn't know I got to hear about them. My mother and MIL live outside the country, I remember when we called my mother in law to break the news about our bundle of joy, she wanted to jump out of the phone with excitement and then we called you and you were just "blah" about it. Now, you want to play like its all good and you will like to come when our bundle of joy arrives and I can't help but look back to when I really needed you. Thank God, my life is great now, I have a loving and supportive husband, I have a the world's best MIL and I can't wait to see her when she comes to visit when our bundle of joy is here.

I see how awful you treat my father and his major complain is that you were never really a wife to him, this reminds me every time just how awful of a mother you were to me and my brother. We are on speaking terms now and it appears its all good but I know I still resent you. Don't get married if you are not ready or willing to be a wife and please don't have children if you are not ready or willing to have children, don't just dump the children and expect them to raise themselves.

I find it hard to share this with hubby because I don't want him to judge you like my father judges you with your mother. I'm reading this book now
Freedom From Your Past by Jimmy Evans, its a must read because I truly believed I was over and set free spiritually from all the issues from my past. I confronted the issues about 4 years ago, and I told myself I forgave you but how do you forgive and still have resentments? I'm still reading it and this is just my 1st step of confronting these issues once and for all hopefully.

I can't blame you for the mistakes I made in the past because I am ultimately responsible for my actions. My only prayer is that I'm a much better mother than you and that mothers out there will take the time to spend time with and really nurture their children.