Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sweet Mother, Not!

*long post alert*
I remember that day when I was 8 or 9 years old, my birthday was the very next day. We were driving by a store and you gave me some money, I asked what for? you said to go in and buy myself a birthday card for the next day. That stayed with me and made me wonder, what kind of mother does that.

Fast forward to age 11, we were 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy and then the only sister that I had passed, she was 14 at the time. I didn't quite understand what all that meant, then I realized it meant she was never ever coming back home, my playing buddy was gone. There was the mourning and the crying then you did your thing again, "sweet mother", you said not just once that the only "real child" you had has died and you no longer have children. Meaning my brother and I didn't count.

Fast forward to age 16, I was very ill and instead of taking me to the hospital, you asked my brother to find a way to get me there,while you stayed at home with the cars parked. We had to get to our far destination by public transportation including a good amount of walking from one bus stop to the other, I was dizzy and felt like I would pass out at any moment. I was given antibiotics and sent back home and then I believe it was the next day or so, I wasn't getting better, my father then drove me to the hospital, at which point the physician did a thorough assessment and told my father he was glad he didn't wait any longer to bring me in because I would have died. Yup, I had a bad case of pneumonia. I was admitted for 3-4 days,you told dad to ask me one of those days what I wanted you to bring to the hospital the next day, I asked for apples. You came just once during those 3-4 days, dropped the apples off and left. I even knew back then that "mothers" were not supposed to do that, especially when dad was the one that worked and you didn't.

Between ages 16 and 19, I ran away from home many times, you never once looked for me, but my father always did and even when I returned, it appeared you could care less if I was dead or alive.

Fast forward to age 24, I got pregnant and was unmarried, still in college, I just felt lost and confused. You were the "christian" of the family and you insisted that I had no choice but to abort my child, ha! and I let you know point blank, I was not going to right a wrong with a wrong(abortion after fornication). This baby was here to stay. We didn't talk for months and that was that

I never felt loved by you, I was never nurtured by you. You were never really a mother to me, and some how while I was growing up you just expected that I would turn out fine on my own I guess, you never put in the work but expected results and when you didn't see those results, I was the "bad child". I remember being so confused while growing up, I just didn't have any foundation or reference point to pull from in my decision making.

I'm a wife and a mother now with another on the way and I struggle not wanting to be anything like you. Having another child on the way now opens up some wounds. I really could care less if you came once our bundle of joy is born because you are just not the nurturing kind. I feel like when I needed you the most as a single mother, you turned your back on me again even though my father asked if you would help me with the baby so I could finish school, you eventually did 6mths later on your own terms with mumbling and grumbling, its makes it very hard to appreciate that. You said crazy things to my father to show that my child was a burden on you but you didn't know I got to hear about them. My mother and MIL live outside the country, I remember when we called my mother in law to break the news about our bundle of joy, she wanted to jump out of the phone with excitement and then we called you and you were just "blah" about it. Now, you want to play like its all good and you will like to come when our bundle of joy arrives and I can't help but look back to when I really needed you. Thank God, my life is great now, I have a loving and supportive husband, I have a the world's best MIL and I can't wait to see her when she comes to visit when our bundle of joy is here.

I see how awful you treat my father and his major complain is that you were never really a wife to him, this reminds me every time just how awful of a mother you were to me and my brother. We are on speaking terms now and it appears its all good but I know I still resent you. Don't get married if you are not ready or willing to be a wife and please don't have children if you are not ready or willing to have children, don't just dump the children and expect them to raise themselves.

I find it hard to share this with hubby because I don't want him to judge you like my father judges you with your mother. I'm reading this book now
Freedom From Your Past by Jimmy Evans, its a must read because I truly believed I was over and set free spiritually from all the issues from my past. I confronted the issues about 4 years ago, and I told myself I forgave you but how do you forgive and still have resentments? I'm still reading it and this is just my 1st step of confronting these issues once and for all hopefully.

I can't blame you for the mistakes I made in the past because I am ultimately responsible for my actions. My only prayer is that I'm a much better mother than you and that mothers out there will take the time to spend time with and really nurture their children.


Andrea said...

Wow, this post is very touchy. I can relate

braids said...

There is nothing more that I want to do right now but give you a hug. Your post has cut me like a knife as it was like I was reading my own relationship, feelings and thoughts towards my mother.
There is so much I would love to say to you, actually your blog itself, there are a few posts I can totally relate to and I had tried contacting you to send you an email but I think you have disabled that gadget.
Just know my dear that Jesus loves you. I don't want to preach to you and give you a whole load of scriptures about forgivness etc as that would make me a hyprocrite but let me tell you something that is workiing for me and thats prayer. Pray and talk to God. Converse with Him as you would do to your husband or friend and tell Him exactlly how your feeling about your mother and past pain. You'll be amazed at how you feel afterwards. Alot of people feel that when praying they have to be conservative and formal and therfore have no real connection to God whilst praying to Him, but its important to remember that Hes your Father so you can go to Him wth anything and that He is God who already knows what your going to say before you even speak and also knows what your holding back from Him, so you might as well let it all out.

Then make a decision as to whether or not your willing to forgive your mother and if yes, then understand that its going to be a process and ask God to work on your heart.

Lastly pray for your mother. Someone told me to do so a few weeks ago when I was relating to the person why my mother should burn in hell. I was reminded of Luke 6:27-28 - "But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.

I'm not yet a mother, shoo I'm not even married but babe, don't try to be a better mother than your own mother. Life is not a competition, rather be a godly mother, the mother God has called you to be be. I have found that when people focus on being better at something than somebody else, they usually end up failing....miserably and ultimately end up becomiing the person they didn't want to become. Good works don't make someone a christian, however our good works are evident of a person being in Christ, hope I'm making sense?

Congrats on your pregnancy and do try to take it easy. Don't stress yourself out, instead hand your stress, your pain, your worries, your past over to the One whose strong shoulders can bear all- Phlippians 4:6

Your life is a testimony, He has given you beauty for ashes, your life story is that of hope.....have you even read your own blog?

Be encouraged.

Isaiah 43:18-19

jhazmyn said...

Wow, I saw this yesterday but just got round to reading it today. Sometimes, it takes a lot from us to confront our past and the people that have truly hurt us, but the fact that you're doing that right now, makes me respect you more.

I'm glad for where God has brought you, and He would build you up to be the best mother you could ever dream of being...I hope you get to find that place of total forgiveness (((hugs)))

Niki said...

I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
It is well.

NewLife said...

@ Andrea
I know right? thanks for reading
*hugs* sometimes I feel like I'm crazy to feel these things that I do, I'm glad another sister relates. I'm sorry you were not able to contact me, my email is cleansed.new@gmail.com, I will make an attempt to adjust my settings, please leave me a comment whenever you send me an email because I don't check that email often, I will really love to chat/correspond with you.
I have to change the direction of my prayers, thanks for that revelation.
What you said has resonated with me for a few days now, I shouldn't try to be a better mother than my mother, life is truly not a competition. I really can't thank you enough, you are so wise.
the journey is not quite easy, but I'm committed to it, thank you :)
thank you, I appreciate the prayers

braids said...

Hey! I hope your doing much better?
Thinking of you and praying for you. Will be in touch via email real soon. x

Mrs O said...

WOW! This reminds me of me - but with my father, the passing of the sister, the baby during uni and pre-wedding. It is freaking me out actually.

I think that you're in no danger of being the sort of mum your mum has been so far. You have already admitted and are addressing your issues...by reading, writing, talking etc. You're well on the way.

I'm not sure what else to say hun, as this has really struck a cord. Just know that you're in my prayers. I just couldn't read it and run, but you'll be in my thoughts.



Hadassah said...

Aww hugs sis. Thank God for your father. God is good and He has already equipped you with all you need to make you a wonderful mum. God bless.

covnitkepr1 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
New York State of Mom said...

I just stumbled on your blog and I want to hug you and ask you out for drinks/coffee or something! Your story sounds just like mine, from the detached unemployed mother to the holy "christian" mother reaction to a surprise pregnancy. CONGRATS on the new baby and it sounds like you have a great example of what your kids do NOT need in a mother, so go ahead and be that Super Mama!! Great Post

braids said...

Hey! Have sent you an email.

Shelby S. said...

You have a gift and this post is such a wake-up call to everyone that if YOUR actions, as a parent, are so crucial to someone's life. You are so right, when you decide to not only have a baby but opt out of adoption, you NEED to act in a responsible way! And take care of the human beings that you've brought into this world. Thank you for being so transparent in this post.

Hadassah said...

@New Life: I'm doing good sis...how are you doing? I trust well. Thanks for all the prayers..

author:thisisthediaryofanotmadblackwoman said...

Good you have realised you haven't totally forgiven and are working towards it.
I felt unloved as a child and tried to take my own life on several occassions.
The Love of God is available to all and heals all pains. I can relate to hurts and pains and I testify to God's healing power.
Love lots.

covnitkepr1 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.