I'm over it

Marriage is challenging

My emotions are raw and all over the place
I am aware that they are just that and the emotions will change
For now i am really upset
We have not been talking, about the deep stuff like we should,
Frankly I'm tired of being the one bringing such things up
The only time that I get to hear what bothers him is when I bring up something that bothers me
For now hubby said hes just going to live his life (words are powerful, very powerful)
and I replied- I will just live mine then and we see where it goes
well on that note
the couch is my bed tonight. I really don't care about the consequences right about now!


UPDATE:
Hubby and I resolved the issue, found out that I misunderstood his statement. I know that was really silly to sleep on the couch, I did it just that once. I realized that I was reflecting the frustrations I had with my mother on my hubby. I found myself reliving the bad experiences I had growing up with my mother who is visiting with us at this time. I thought I had forgiven her, but there were triggers that I just could not shake off. Anyways I will continue to work through those issues. I thought about deleting the post but at the same time I decided not to. I don't want to create a false impression because no one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, you have to control your anger or your anger will control you. It is indeed a learning process :)

marital S.E.X is yummy

Waiting to get married before having sex has been PRICELESS! I heard about this before getting married, but didn't understand till I got to experience it for myself. Sex outside of marriage is really not what its cut out to be, I promise. Gods words and principles are just more real to me, like my own a ha moment.

The immense peace from the covering over our marriage just by the sacrifices we made before we made our lifetime commitment is so comforting, the major things we did included fasting and praying for about 2 weeks, surrendering every aspect of our future into Gods hands. We were in a LDR, we went from seeing each other every month to not seeing each other for about 5-6mths, even though we talked multiple times on the phone daily, it was hard but really worth it. We made sure premarital sex was not an option since we struggled with it in the past.

I learned that, though things may seem hard at the moment, as long as its for and about God, He rewards way beyond things that I can even see. If you are celibate, stand your ground, I'm proud of you, If you are not, please make a change.
Premarital sex is truly scum compared to divine love making in marriage :) I just really wish people really understood that.

Its been a great 10 months since I said I do. Things I learned:

God is really good and He blessed me with a truly wonderful guy
The marriage class we attended in church is the best $60 we have ever spent.
Patience
Selflessness: listening to the unspoken words of hubby, there are times he just really needs space or may be having a bad day.
Watching my words and my thoughts. Keeping it positive! positive! positive!
The security of unconditional love, and yes, there are very few times I may not really like hubby and vice versa :)
The security I have that my relationship with hubby was built and renewed in Christ before and after our marriage, therefore our marriage is built on a solid rock/foundation.


The ones that surprised me:
How jealous and protective I can be over my hubby, lol had to pray about that one
The 1st couple of months after getting married, I was overwhelmed with the frequent love making, going from none to everyday just threw me off a little bit lol
Thanks for stopping by. Be blessed

photo credit: photobucket

my wedding night

contd

It was an interesting night, I was plain exhausted, some of the anxiety was still there of course, but not as bad lol. We had fun at the party , it was all so surreal. Then the party was over.... I was trying to help in cleaning the venue, my mentor was there and of course, she kept saying its time to go, "get out of here", "go get ready for your husband", the whole nine "go take a nice shower" "wear something nice" blah blah lol. I was so shy. Anyways we had company at the house, my dearest hubby previously agreed no show until the honeymoon. Well, lets just say he didnt keep his word lol. I was shy in the morning and felt so self conscious like Ive been found out by our guests. anyways life has been blissful ever since, had a great time at our honey moon getaway.

pic from PHOTOBUCKET

Shes back!!!!

Thank you favoured girl for showing me love. Married life has been soooooo good to me. Life has been intense, combining work,marriage, graduate school.
I wanted to blog sooner, however hubby and I share the same computer now and I really didn't want him to know my blog lol; not that I have something to hide, just that its like him reading my diary
Ill tell you what, I couldn't ask for anything more in a life partner... I will update soon about the wedding night and the few months that have followed.

Count down...3 more days

Wow.. I'm anxious no more, I'm now so excited that I get to be joined to the love of my life. I can't believe its me. I just didn't think it would happen to me. I was wretched, I was broken, I was lost. Yet my Faithful Father gave me a new life,a new walk, a new song. Words cannot express how good Gods been to me, makes me teary eyed right now. Words will never be able to express how I stand in awe of Him. He renewed my spirit. He gives me favor, He makes me worthy though I'm so unworthy. He calls me His child comforts me when no one else is near. Ain't He good? can anybody feel me?
Blogville this wasn't supposed to be happening to me. Once upon a time, i didn't know who I was, I was so lost and this ain't no cliche, now I'm found. I walk with my head up high, unashamed.My past is behind, my present is all wrapped up in the biggest bow, and my future is so bright all to the glory of God.

Never thought I would be here, never even knew that the life I have now even existed, yet my almighty God orchestrated every single detail and all I do is stand in awe of Him. I am going to marry the love of my life in 3 days, I stand amazed by him, I don't look at myself as a gift to him alone, I look at him as a gift directly from heaven just for me, just to think I used to settle for less. I thank God that these past couple of years have really transformed who I am in Christ and who I am as a person. Just once upon a time, I thought abstinence was impossible, look at me now, look at us now. Now I just smile to myself, because my biggest desire was that my husband would be so excited about me when we got married, by that I mean for us to have something to look forward not when we've done it all; and boy is he excited, I feel so valued, special, loved, irresistible, desired, all the good words you can think of. That right there is PRICELESS. There is absolutely nothing in the world that compares to it, no condemnation just pure bliss to come.

Thank you guys for reading and I appreciate all your support.

Anxiety about the "do" on wedding night

E ma gba mi o.(somebody save me from myself) I really cant believe I am genuinely anxious about doing the do on my wedding night. I'm getting married in just a couple of weeks, yes I'm excited about it, but this underlying "thing" dare I say fear is still underneath. To make it more ridiculous, I'm not a virgin, wish I was but that's another story, I've been abstinent though, practicing secondary virginity, maybe thats just what its all about.

Is this normal?, I think its about the expectation that sex is going to happen or is supposed to happen. Ive never really heard this discussed, I can expect it from a virgin but...me? anyways I told one of my closest friends and she couldnt believe it either. Now I just wonder...I pray this is not some kind of underlying issue o lol. I'm not nervous about getting married within itself but this other "koko" is quickly approaching and I find my heart beating fast...

I love him dearly lol I tried to hint my "Mr" but I guess he didnt take me too seriously. I just left it alone so I dont ruin his night for him.

CONFESSION
To blogville, I have since willingly,"good wifeyingly" so generously encouraged a family member to come over from out of town and stay the night, the night of the wedding,we leave for the honey moon the next day LOL well that took some pressure off, till the next day @ least, yes I know, thats awful, but we'll see what happens
(photobucket picture)

What will be my Legacy?

from http://www.billygraham.org/RBG_biography.asp

my second post for the day but still....

I was drawn to return to Ruth Bell Grahams (Billy Grahams wife) page today, I think its becasue I recalled her effortless beauty,I read her biography and then I looked at her photos, I watched as she aged beautifully through the years in those pictures, I was touched about how wonderful she was especially how she was with her husband, she made me think.. I want to be like that. With her death I was reminded this life is nothing but a vapor.
I looked at the life she had in her photos, with friends and with family, did she know? was she aware? that all this was but just a moment in time. I think she did from reading her poems. On one of the pictures on the memorial site was a picture of Reagan and his wife, captured in a moment in time, it made me remember the sad look on Reagans wife's Nancy's face when the one she loved was gone, the compassion with which she parted his coffin.

Then I wonder, why do I worry? why do I fuss? will all that really matter in the end. And then I remember no matter what life may bring, "whatever my lot, my Lord as taught me to say it is well with my soul"

When all is said and done, what then will my family say,would I have been that back bone that they needed, my fiance maybe at the time my husband, my children, my friends, strangers, would I have treated them gently, be more patient with them, showed them the love of Christ that is burning within me. Would I have completed my purpose, be totally selfless, putting others needs above mine, loving unconditionally, not getting worked up with the little things, giving enough grace to others when they wrong me. What would be my legacy?