Friday, March 25, 2011

I've been M.I.A

Hello people,
I'm sorry I've been M.I.A, so many things have been going on. Our little princess is here, motherhood is exciting but it kicks butt. Hope everyone has been well. Shout out to "Braids" and Koinonia.
Update on my folks.God has done a great thing, a miracle actually. It was really rough in between, but they have now settled their differences and I pray they really leave me out of their affairs from here on out.
Update on my professional exam. I re-registered and I started studying again, as much as I can with my little precious one demanding so much lol. I love that little cookie. Thanks for everyone that checked in, I appreciate you guys. I hope to be back soon.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sweet Mother, Not!

*long post alert*
I remember that day when I was 8 or 9 years old, my birthday was the very next day. We were driving by a store and you gave me some money, I asked what for? you said to go in and buy myself a birthday card for the next day. That stayed with me and made me wonder, what kind of mother does that.

Fast forward to age 11, we were 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy and then the only sister that I had passed, she was 14 at the time. I didn't quite understand what all that meant, then I realized it meant she was never ever coming back home, my playing buddy was gone. There was the mourning and the crying then you did your thing again, "sweet mother", you said not just once that the only "real child" you had has died and you no longer have children. Meaning my brother and I didn't count.

Fast forward to age 16, I was very ill and instead of taking me to the hospital, you asked my brother to find a way to get me there,while you stayed at home with the cars parked. We had to get to our far destination by public transportation including a good amount of walking from one bus stop to the other, I was dizzy and felt like I would pass out at any moment. I was given antibiotics and sent back home and then I believe it was the next day or so, I wasn't getting better, my father then drove me to the hospital, at which point the physician did a thorough assessment and told my father he was glad he didn't wait any longer to bring me in because I would have died. Yup, I had a bad case of pneumonia. I was admitted for 3-4 days,you told dad to ask me one of those days what I wanted you to bring to the hospital the next day, I asked for apples. You came just once during those 3-4 days, dropped the apples off and left. I even knew back then that "mothers" were not supposed to do that, especially when dad was the one that worked and you didn't.

Between ages 16 and 19, I ran away from home many times, you never once looked for me, but my father always did and even when I returned, it appeared you could care less if I was dead or alive.

Fast forward to age 24, I got pregnant and was unmarried, still in college, I just felt lost and confused. You were the "christian" of the family and you insisted that I had no choice but to abort my child, ha! and I let you know point blank, I was not going to right a wrong with a wrong(abortion after fornication). This baby was here to stay. We didn't talk for months and that was that

I never felt loved by you, I was never nurtured by you. You were never really a mother to me, and some how while I was growing up you just expected that I would turn out fine on my own I guess, you never put in the work but expected results and when you didn't see those results, I was the "bad child". I remember being so confused while growing up, I just didn't have any foundation or reference point to pull from in my decision making.

I'm a wife and a mother now with another on the way and I struggle not wanting to be anything like you. Having another child on the way now opens up some wounds. I really could care less if you came once our bundle of joy is born because you are just not the nurturing kind. I feel like when I needed you the most as a single mother, you turned your back on me again even though my father asked if you would help me with the baby so I could finish school, you eventually did 6mths later on your own terms with mumbling and grumbling, its makes it very hard to appreciate that. You said crazy things to my father to show that my child was a burden on you but you didn't know I got to hear about them. My mother and MIL live outside the country, I remember when we called my mother in law to break the news about our bundle of joy, she wanted to jump out of the phone with excitement and then we called you and you were just "blah" about it. Now, you want to play like its all good and you will like to come when our bundle of joy arrives and I can't help but look back to when I really needed you. Thank God, my life is great now, I have a loving and supportive husband, I have a the world's best MIL and I can't wait to see her when she comes to visit when our bundle of joy is here.

I see how awful you treat my father and his major complain is that you were never really a wife to him, this reminds me every time just how awful of a mother you were to me and my brother. We are on speaking terms now and it appears its all good but I know I still resent you. Don't get married if you are not ready or willing to be a wife and please don't have children if you are not ready or willing to have children, don't just dump the children and expect them to raise themselves.

I find it hard to share this with hubby because I don't want him to judge you like my father judges you with your mother. I'm reading this book now
Freedom From Your Past by Jimmy Evans, its a must read because I truly believed I was over and set free spiritually from all the issues from my past. I confronted the issues about 4 years ago, and I told myself I forgave you but how do you forgive and still have resentments? I'm still reading it and this is just my 1st step of confronting these issues once and for all hopefully.

I can't blame you for the mistakes I made in the past because I am ultimately responsible for my actions. My only prayer is that I'm a much better mother than you and that mothers out there will take the time to spend time with and really nurture their children.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


The memories are still raw and just about a week old. I guess I should still expect these emotions every now and again. God has been good too me in so many ways that I lost count. However I was devastated about a week ago when I took my professional exam and failed for the 2nd time. I have to struggle with feeling like a failure, I 've been told that some people have to take it up to 5 times before they pass. However, that has not been comforting to me, because then I think, why can't I be one of those that pass it at the 1st try.
I sometimes wonder if this is a sign, is this career path God's will for my life? or did I just simply fail the exam and should plan to retake it. I studied, shut myself off from the world for weeks, I prayed and I was actually confident that I would pass it this time, but I didn't!
Some where deep inside, when I pray now, I wonder if God still answers prayers, I wonder what I did wrong to deserve this,I know this sounds ridiculous because its just a professional exam. I still know the truth, though its hard to grasp these days. I know He has a plan for my life even though I may not recognize it now, hubby says perhaps it will be revealed to me at a later time.
In the meantime I will take it one step at a time. Like hubby says, I should be thankful that at least I'm in a good place in my life now, I may not be moving forward career-wise but at least I'm not moving backwards.
I love my hubby, he's the best. He has been so supportive, he actually left work to come home to comfort me when I was having a melt-down on the day of, after I failed the exam. He is one way for sure, that God has been good to me.
I hope everyone is doing good *hugs*

Friday, June 18, 2010

Be true to thine self

I was taking a moment to reflect on my marriage and ...
I will like to applaud those that took the time to build the foundation in their relationship/marriage. We did and its value keeps repaying for it self. I don't believe any of us know all the answers but there are are just some uncompromisable factors in a relationship, one is being comfortable within ones self, not just flowing with the wind of the world. Knowing who you are and whose you are, knowing the Almighty who has got your back in and at all times.
Some people get busy in planning what the "big" wedding is supposed to look like, the house with the white picket fence, the cars, the superficial image of what society says marriage is supposed to look like and then they wonder what went wrong, why did everything crumble. Jesus said, "Anyone who hears my teaching and ignores it, is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. Anyone who listens to my teaching and obeys it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock."

In my reflection, I found myself thanking God for bringing me so far. I thank God that I'm broken from those chains, I'm sure its a combination of factors, learned behavior from family, the media, friends and society.
There is something very empowering about total surrender to The One who sees and knows my future, my beginning, my end and all the in between, why then did i struggle so much with Him back then, I'm so thankful I'm now on the right track.
The truth now is I couldn't have planned the way my life turned out all by myself without His guidance. I find myself often in awe of my heavenly father and all that He has brought me through.

Something many couples may ignore is attending authentic christain premarital/marital counselling, it should teach about the order of things, God 1st of course, love, respect, humility, selflessness etc. Once things are in the right order, its amazing how everything else falls into place.
It helps to guard your eyes, your ears from the shows you watch, what you read, who you talk to, the kind of music you listen to etc, these avenues plant seeds for a long time to come, that's why sometimes you may wonder where some of the things you do come from

Pray about what may seem like the inconsequential things and let God surprise you over and over :). I was feeling a void within myself and my hubby since our last fight, though we were getting along just great after wards, I explained it away that I was just hurt and it will heal with time. Until, I was reminded that I had to be intentional about the healing, I couldn't wait for time to do it for me. Leaving that emotional distance is not a good place to be, I decided I wasn't going to fall into the rot of this is what happens in marriage after some time. Suddenly it clicked for me! pray about that void and I can say now that I feel as close to my hubby as I was before the fight. Its just the kind of God I serve.

Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a great weekend. Ciao!