Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Count down...3 more days

Wow.. I'm anxious no more, I'm now so excited that I get to be joined to the love of my life. I can't believe its me. I just didn't think it would happen to me. I was wretched, I was broken, I was lost. Yet my Faithful Father gave me a new life,a new walk, a new song. Words cannot express how good Gods been to me, makes me teary eyed right now. Words will never be able to express how I stand in awe of Him. He renewed my spirit. He gives me favor, He makes me worthy though I'm so unworthy. He calls me His child comforts me when no one else is near. Ain't He good? can anybody feel me?
Blogville this wasn't supposed to be happening to me. Once upon a time, i didn't know who I was, I was so lost and this ain't no cliche, now I'm found. I walk with my head up high, unashamed.My past is behind, my present is all wrapped up in the biggest bow, and my future is so bright all to the glory of God.

Never thought I would be here, never even knew that the life I have now even existed, yet my almighty God orchestrated every single detail and all I do is stand in awe of Him. I am going to marry the love of my life in 3 days, I stand amazed by him, I don't look at myself as a gift to him alone, I look at him as a gift directly from heaven just for me, just to think I used to settle for less. I thank God that these past couple of years have really transformed who I am in Christ and who I am as a person. Just once upon a time, I thought abstinence was impossible, look at me now, look at us now. Now I just smile to myself, because my biggest desire was that my husband would be so excited about me when we got married, by that I mean for us to have something to look forward not when we've done it all; and boy is he excited, I feel so valued, special, loved, irresistible, desired, all the good words you can think of. That right there is PRICELESS. There is absolutely nothing in the world that compares to it, no condemnation just pure bliss to come.

Thank you guys for reading and I appreciate all your support.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Anxiety about the "do" on wedding night

E ma gba mi o.(somebody save me from myself) I really cant believe I am genuinely anxious about doing the do on my wedding night. I'm getting married in just a couple of weeks, yes I'm excited about it, but this underlying "thing" dare I say fear is still underneath. To make it more ridiculous, I'm not a virgin, wish I was but that's another story, I've been abstinent though, practicing secondary virginity, maybe thats just what its all about.

Is this normal?, I think its about the expectation that sex is going to happen or is supposed to happen. Ive never really heard this discussed, I can expect it from a virgin but...me? anyways I told one of my closest friends and she couldnt believe it either. Now I just wonder...I pray this is not some kind of underlying issue o lol. I'm not nervous about getting married within itself but this other "koko" is quickly approaching and I find my heart beating fast...

I love him dearly lol I tried to hint my "Mr" but I guess he didnt take me too seriously. I just left it alone so I dont ruin his night for him.

To blogville, I have since willingly,"good wifeyingly" so generously encouraged a family member to come over from out of town and stay the night, the night of the wedding,we leave for the honey moon the next day LOL well that took some pressure off, till the next day @ least, yes I know, thats awful, but we'll see what happens
(photobucket picture)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

What will be my Legacy?

from http://www.billygraham.org/RBG_biography.asp

my second post for the day but still....

I was drawn to return to Ruth Bell Grahams (Billy Grahams wife) page today, I think its becasue I recalled her effortless beauty,I read her biography and then I looked at her photos, I watched as she aged beautifully through the years in those pictures, I was touched about how wonderful she was especially how she was with her husband, she made me think.. I want to be like that. With her death I was reminded this life is nothing but a vapor.
I looked at the life she had in her photos, with friends and with family, did she know? was she aware? that all this was but just a moment in time. I think she did from reading her poems. On one of the pictures on the memorial site was a picture of Reagan and his wife, captured in a moment in time, it made me remember the sad look on Reagans wife's Nancy's face when the one she loved was gone, the compassion with which she parted his coffin.

Then I wonder, why do I worry? why do I fuss? will all that really matter in the end. And then I remember no matter what life may bring, "whatever my lot, my Lord as taught me to say it is well with my soul"

When all is said and done, what then will my family say,would I have been that back bone that they needed, my fiance maybe at the time my husband, my children, my friends, strangers, would I have treated them gently, be more patient with them, showed them the love of Christ that is burning within me. Would I have completed my purpose, be totally selfless, putting others needs above mine, loving unconditionally, not getting worked up with the little things, giving enough grace to others when they wrong me. What would be my legacy?

Sex and everything else but...

1 Timothy 4
The Great Apostasy

1 Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons, 2 speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron, 3 forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from foods which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. 4 For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused if it is received with thanksgiving; 5 for it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer.

I wasnt quite prepared for this reality as I read the Word this morning, it just hit me smack dab in the face. As the world is changing, we can already follow its events written in the bible. I thank God for saving my life and my soul. Once upon a time I bought into "the lie" about marriage, beauty, sexuality. It saddens me when I watch some of the world around me buy into it as well. I watched Oprah and her views on marriage, then I watched as Halle berry followed suit, "defining" marriage between her and her baby daddy, it is all ludicrous. I agree people have been hurt, at the same time truth does not change. People define happiness yet you find them committing suicide, committing murder and you wonder what went wrong.

Moving in together, oh thats the in thing, it shows you are committed I guess, its a lie, its deception, its not cool and its selling yourself short. Why is it that people choose to settle for the lower standard, it saddens me a great deal when I hear this. People have stopped going to church, they have stopped hearing the Word, and they wonder why things are the way that they are. The Word of God is the radar that leads us on the right path

Nudity, our bodies are the temple of the Holy spirit, shouldnt we be leaving more to the imagination, but it is not so, and the sad thing is, people have stopped telling the truth to one another, things get sugar coated and they tell you what you are doing is ok, its not! wrong is wrong! and the truth is they may say its ok,but they leave this part out that its ok as long as you are not their sister, mother or wife, go figure! Yet some really just dont care, it makes you wonder, what moral standard are they operating under?, no wonder rape, murder, infidelity etc are rampant

Religion/spirituality, its now cool to explore new age, buddha, islam, christainity etc as advocated by hollywood, its the "in" thing it shows you are grounded I guess, but it is all falsehood, it makes no sence,you cannot serve two masters period! regardless of what the mini gods in hollywood promote,just like I heard in a Nigerian saying, too many hands cant't go in the pot, because it ruins the food.
The last couple of times I was at Barnes and Nobles, I sat down for a while, and it happened to be across from where "the new age"/ "palm reading" stuff were and I was shocked each time, it just made it all so real, people really really really believe in this stuff, the number of people that came to pick up books in that section compared to other sections flawed me.

As for me, Christ has been good to me, He is the only way, He continues to open my eyes and I am eternally grateful.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

E mi na re Oluwa

I was lying down on my couch reminiscing and thinking about my future, suddenly this song broke out in my spirit

E mi na re... Oluwa
E mi na re...Oluwa
Mo wa dupe ore amodun mo odun (blessings adding from years to years)
mo wa dupe ore amosu mo osu (blessings adding from months to months)
mo wa dupe ore igba gbo gbo (this part of the song was the ultimate reminder of His numerous blessings at all times)
emi na re... Oluwa

some of the yoruba words may not be spelled correctly but hey I tried..lol

Well, I'm thankful for having a God that never fails me,and the One that is always there. Grad school is hectic, it could be a little unravelling at times, I've been just a little discouraged about my grades the past couple of days, playing with a couple of "what ifs" in my mind. I just really want better grades I know who doesnt right? :D but I resolve to remembering Gods word and studying even harder. Anybody reading please pray for me o . I'm just maxed out now with school, work and more school but I have a dream... and I am not through yet with God on my side. The bible says FEAR NOT!

6 So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will
not be afraid. What can anyone do to me?"

10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I
am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold
you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 were the words I needed to hear today and this from today's word by Joel Osteen...

Believing in God and trusting Him is easy when everything is going well, and there doesn’t seem to be anything bothering you. But to truly declare God’s goodness even when trials and confusion surround you is really trusting God. God is so good to you, He wants you to grow, mature, and learn from so many different situations.

So even when things don’t make sense, keep a positive attitude knowing that God has your best interests at heart. You don’t always have to figure it out on your own, or go around living with a chip on your shoulder toward life. You can choose to trust God in everything, and live freely experiencing His blessing in your life!

Be blessed today and always

Monday, September 8, 2008

Lonliness and emptiness

My home was full this summer, and frankly I thought I couldnt wait till it emptied out, I'm not experienced at hosting I guess. It took a lot out of me,especially since it was my parents too, I had to reverence them . I've been gone from home for about 10years now and just so used to having my space to myself.

Anyways the space was tight, the demands were high and there were times that I had just had it, there were times I was cranky. Now I look back and wonder what that was all about, I wish I had a little one to litter my space, get on my nerves, parents to give their unsolicited advice about life and situations. I forgot what lonliness felt like, I had adapted so well over the years, I dont even how to deal with it now, life seems so empty but it goes on. I'm happy everyone got back home safely. thank God.

I was just thinking just how so easy it is to take the ones you care about for granted, there were times I was so overwhelmed with what was going on in my life to appreciate them being around. Not until I got back to the house after dropping them off at the airport and the silence was deafening driving me to tears. I was just so used to coming back to someone at home, little princess playing hide and seek. Time flew by and the silence I so longed for, now I cant stand...

But I'll be ok, I just appreciate family a little better now

Thursday, September 4, 2008

All eyes on you Jesus


lol dont know how to post videos

Whats real? whats pure?, that which is eternal
I want people to see You and not me Lord, all eyes on you Lord :D I celebrate you Father.

"I dont want to gain the whole world and lose my soul.... food for thought,please dont let us be consumed and please forgive us for things that fight for our love and our passion, may your kingdom be what wakes us up and lays us down"

This song struck me once again this evening

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees;[a] for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart

ok this verse just triggered something..

haha how true, I'm really puzzled by my Nigerian parents, when they say things like thats "a good kid" or thats a "a bad kid" and I'm thinking to myself "how do you know that? how do you pass such judgement, apparently its about how the person looks or acts, it really doesnt matter all the other possiblities like having a miserable day blah blah. Boy oh boy I guess I got the bad kid name tag with some of my friends parents back in high school, why? see me see trouble o, when I was actually the good one compared to their kids anyways. I had the "out going" look I suppose and I didnt know how to play the naija "sign of respect" politics very well(yoruba people will understand), guess what lol I've learned o, ehn when I double on those knees greeting this people like this lol well, I guess that makes me "a good kid" so there u have it.

Few years back I met someone who is now a good friend of mine, after church service (we had just met) said to me that she didnt expect me to be so "spiritual" lol see me see trouble o. I let loose when I'm in church, its just me and my God there, I dance not caring whos watching, i beg He has brought me this far, no one else will understand, apparently you cant have an outgoing look and personality without being a regular club attender, drink mucho alcohol, get sexed up every minute or just simply love Jesus with reckless abandon...

lol I just remebered another one, I was seeing a guy briefly before I left Nigeria who said he wasnt ready for me to meet his parents why? help me beg o, he said because I was well endowed that his parents would think I was really out there like that, and getting sexed up good,(double take- confused look) thats why my chest got so big, seeeeee meeee seee trouble o hahahahahahah he better be lucky I was one naive teenager back then or else hiss lol

ok I just had a good laugh all by myself- that felt good

Aint't He good?

6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a
good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Ain't He good? His word gives me life, the One who cleanses me and brings me to perfection. I am flesh and I am in a broken world yet He gives me hope and He gives me strength to carry on each day. He leads me through a beautiful pathway although sometimes it may be thorny...

Deuteronomy 30:19 (New International Version)
I choose life because He said... This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

This generational thing is no joke, it amazes me when I observe a family, a pattern ensues it could be from divorce, seperation, attitudes etc I have studied mine and those things stop right there. I am carrying on a new legacy, a new generation so help me God. My prayer is to carry on purity, Godliness,tenderness, goodness bottom line a generation that reperesents God deeply and truly. I am not saying this haas not been present in the generations past, but as with all things it could be better. My prayer is for God to grant me with all patience and perseverence.

And I seal it with.. PHILIPPIANS 2:13 LB (paraphrased by using me instead of "you")
13 "For God is at work within me, helping me want to obey Him and then helping me do what He wants.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Speak God's word,think God's Word, and do God's Word

Phil 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

This is one of my favorite verses and frankly I haven't thought about it in a while. As I was having some thoughts, the Holy spirit I would like to beleive reminded me of this verse, just at the time when I was not thing noble, lovely or thinking of good reports. I have made this a prayer point before that the Holy spirit would remind me of Gods word just when I need it. Now today, I feel a lot of relief, because my "Can do" spirit is back, by following the verse above. I see the world in a different light. To top it off I ran into the verse below while looking for Phil 4:8

Phil 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus

Gods peace really surpasses all understanding, its a place I like to dwell and always wish could last forever, although life tries to take it away sometimes with its hustle and bustle, I'm forever grateful for those special moments I have shared in it.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Faith and Fear

Reminder from God
"I have promised that for every day you live the strength shall be given. Do not fear"

The Lord promises to give me enough strength for each day, even during those times that I am weak and discouraged, during those times that I have to make decisions and I'm in doubt, questioning if its a "me thing" i.e my emotions or a "God thing", only because my greatest desire in life is that Gods will prevails in my life above all else. But I've learned to give it just a little more time because my God is never late, He is indeed always on time.

My God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind. I have learned not to be afraid for the Lord is always with me

My next embarkment is marriage, lol do I know enough, do I really know what I'm getting into, I evaluate the good and the bad and I'm giving it all to God, I've been told by so many that you think you know who you are dating, but you dont really know until you get to live with them, this makes me a little apprehensive, but I love him so dearly and I just cant help but also think about all the good times we're going to have together.

I'm a realist, may be there are times that I over analyze just a little, but who wouldnt lol, this is marriage we are talking about, I see people going in all goo-goo eyed and not seeing things for what they really are, however, there are times it takes the joy out of things.
Ok, now I've figured something out, perhaps,my past hunts me a little, I'm compensating for the times I didnt pay attention and I call that wisdom, I also work hard on making sure its not fear because there was once upon a time when I was so free and so trusting and believing and I got burned really bad, I have come a mighty long way and I'm so grateful to the Almighty, because of that I'm learning to continue to submit eveything to God.

My wedding is not going to be in the traditional way due to some constraints of going back and forth from here and back home, there are certain things that if I had my way, I definitely will not go that route, but there are really no other options on going about it, I do desire the final destination, its just getting used to the idea of how we going to have to get there. I just have to trust God as mine will not be the way most people get to experience theirs, so its not like I can look at how others did theres and learn from it, so it is indeed a big step of faith.

A friend of mine once told me,in some decisions, you exercise faith because everything may not be clear in the very beginning, in those places God uses to transform us and lets us grow..... God is the author and finisher of my faith, in Him I trust. His word tells me not to trust in any man because mans heart is evil, but in my life I learn not to trust mankind alone but to trust mankind through God only because I am precious in His eyes, therefore He protects me in all of my ways and all of my days

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Gods word- His promises

1 Cor2:9-10

No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"
but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.

What a power packed message, I was watching Joel Osteen on tv when this message came on the screen, it just resonated in my spirit. Gods promises- so true, never disappointing, always on time. Gods power- the strength that moves mountains, Gods grace- the one that forgives all things, Gods mercy- the one that gets us through the day or difficult times, Gods love- so unconditional, sticks closer than a brother, never changing, Gods beauty- in the birds, the flowers, the oceans, the rainbow, the clouds, the rain, Gods peace- priceless gift from Him, so sobering, so comforting.

The power of submission

I'VE been gone so long but God has been so good to me, this life is truly a journey. I'm in awe of how much a person learns in total surrender to God. I am glad that unequivocally I ask myself during situations- weighing both options A.do you want to do it your way or B. do it Gods way. I am thankful that I am no longer in a power struggle with God and I continue to do things His way no matter how hard it may seem at the time. I prayed to God for a meek and gentle spirit, lol he has trasnformed me even without my knowledge I still look back at the woman I used to me and the woman I am today and I ask who was that person back then?

This God is all so powerful and mighty, the visible and yet the invisible, He loves me, embraces me, tames me, heals me and the list goes on. The power of submission, with it I see Him leading my life in another direction, the wrongs are being made right, healing the relationship with my mother that I never thought possible, I am blessed with a good man, my career is advancing.

I am being pulled spiritually and I'm responding- it started with awful dreams, sexual dreams, throwing up blood etc when I vouched to remain abstinant till I get married, God showed up and it was a done deal, it kind of caught me off guard when the dremas reflected the opposite of my life in the day time when I was awake. I prayed and didnt take anything for granted and rebuked any deposits that were being made in my life at night. I feel peace, there are times turmoil came out of no where, I chose not to take anything for granted and just prayed. God is sorting it all out becasue His peace is with me