Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sweet Mother, Not!

*long post alert*
I remember that day when I was 8 or 9 years old, my birthday was the very next day. We were driving by a store and you gave me some money, I asked what for? you said to go in and buy myself a birthday card for the next day. That stayed with me and made me wonder, what kind of mother does that.

Fast forward to age 11, we were 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy and then the only sister that I had passed, she was 14 at the time. I didn't quite understand what all that meant, then I realized it meant she was never ever coming back home, my playing buddy was gone. There was the mourning and the crying then you did your thing again, "sweet mother", you said not just once that the only "real child" you had has died and you no longer have children. Meaning my brother and I didn't count.

Fast forward to age 16, I was very ill and instead of taking me to the hospital, you asked my brother to find a way to get me there,while you stayed at home with the cars parked. We had to get to our far destination by public transportation including a good amount of walking from one bus stop to the other, I was dizzy and felt like I would pass out at any moment. I was given antibiotics and sent back home and then I believe it was the next day or so, I wasn't getting better, my father then drove me to the hospital, at which point the physician did a thorough assessment and told my father he was glad he didn't wait any longer to bring me in because I would have died. Yup, I had a bad case of pneumonia. I was admitted for 3-4 days,you told dad to ask me one of those days what I wanted you to bring to the hospital the next day, I asked for apples. You came just once during those 3-4 days, dropped the apples off and left. I even knew back then that "mothers" were not supposed to do that, especially when dad was the one that worked and you didn't.

Between ages 16 and 19, I ran away from home many times, you never once looked for me, but my father always did and even when I returned, it appeared you could care less if I was dead or alive.

Fast forward to age 24, I got pregnant and was unmarried, still in college, I just felt lost and confused. You were the "christian" of the family and you insisted that I had no choice but to abort my child, ha! and I let you know point blank, I was not going to right a wrong with a wrong(abortion after fornication). This baby was here to stay. We didn't talk for months and that was that

I never felt loved by you, I was never nurtured by you. You were never really a mother to me, and some how while I was growing up you just expected that I would turn out fine on my own I guess, you never put in the work but expected results and when you didn't see those results, I was the "bad child". I remember being so confused while growing up, I just didn't have any foundation or reference point to pull from in my decision making.

I'm a wife and a mother now with another on the way and I struggle not wanting to be anything like you. Having another child on the way now opens up some wounds. I really could care less if you came once our bundle of joy is born because you are just not the nurturing kind. I feel like when I needed you the most as a single mother, you turned your back on me again even though my father asked if you would help me with the baby so I could finish school, you eventually did 6mths later on your own terms with mumbling and grumbling, its makes it very hard to appreciate that. You said crazy things to my father to show that my child was a burden on you but you didn't know I got to hear about them. My mother and MIL live outside the country, I remember when we called my mother in law to break the news about our bundle of joy, she wanted to jump out of the phone with excitement and then we called you and you were just "blah" about it. Now, you want to play like its all good and you will like to come when our bundle of joy arrives and I can't help but look back to when I really needed you. Thank God, my life is great now, I have a loving and supportive husband, I have a the world's best MIL and I can't wait to see her when she comes to visit when our bundle of joy is here.

I see how awful you treat my father and his major complain is that you were never really a wife to him, this reminds me every time just how awful of a mother you were to me and my brother. We are on speaking terms now and it appears its all good but I know I still resent you. Don't get married if you are not ready or willing to be a wife and please don't have children if you are not ready or willing to have children, don't just dump the children and expect them to raise themselves.

I find it hard to share this with hubby because I don't want him to judge you like my father judges you with your mother. I'm reading this book now
Freedom From Your Past by Jimmy Evans, its a must read because I truly believed I was over and set free spiritually from all the issues from my past. I confronted the issues about 4 years ago, and I told myself I forgave you but how do you forgive and still have resentments? I'm still reading it and this is just my 1st step of confronting these issues once and for all hopefully.

I can't blame you for the mistakes I made in the past because I am ultimately responsible for my actions. My only prayer is that I'm a much better mother than you and that mothers out there will take the time to spend time with and really nurture their children.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


The memories are still raw and just about a week old. I guess I should still expect these emotions every now and again. God has been good too me in so many ways that I lost count. However I was devastated about a week ago when I took my professional exam and failed for the 2nd time. I have to struggle with feeling like a failure, I 've been told that some people have to take it up to 5 times before they pass. However, that has not been comforting to me, because then I think, why can't I be one of those that pass it at the 1st try.
I sometimes wonder if this is a sign, is this career path God's will for my life? or did I just simply fail the exam and should plan to retake it. I studied, shut myself off from the world for weeks, I prayed and I was actually confident that I would pass it this time, but I didn't!
Some where deep inside, when I pray now, I wonder if God still answers prayers, I wonder what I did wrong to deserve this,I know this sounds ridiculous because its just a professional exam. I still know the truth, though its hard to grasp these days. I know He has a plan for my life even though I may not recognize it now, hubby says perhaps it will be revealed to me at a later time.
In the meantime I will take it one step at a time. Like hubby says, I should be thankful that at least I'm in a good place in my life now, I may not be moving forward career-wise but at least I'm not moving backwards.
I love my hubby, he's the best. He has been so supportive, he actually left work to come home to comfort me when I was having a melt-down on the day of, after I failed the exam. He is one way for sure, that God has been good to me.
I hope everyone is doing good *hugs*

Friday, June 18, 2010

Be true to thine self

I was taking a moment to reflect on my marriage and ...
I will like to applaud those that took the time to build the foundation in their relationship/marriage. We did and its value keeps repaying for it self. I don't believe any of us know all the answers but there are are just some uncompromisable factors in a relationship, one is being comfortable within ones self, not just flowing with the wind of the world. Knowing who you are and whose you are, knowing the Almighty who has got your back in and at all times.
Some people get busy in planning what the "big" wedding is supposed to look like, the house with the white picket fence, the cars, the superficial image of what society says marriage is supposed to look like and then they wonder what went wrong, why did everything crumble. Jesus said, "Anyone who hears my teaching and ignores it, is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. Anyone who listens to my teaching and obeys it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock."

In my reflection, I found myself thanking God for bringing me so far. I thank God that I'm broken from those chains, I'm sure its a combination of factors, learned behavior from family, the media, friends and society.
There is something very empowering about total surrender to The One who sees and knows my future, my beginning, my end and all the in between, why then did i struggle so much with Him back then, I'm so thankful I'm now on the right track.
The truth now is I couldn't have planned the way my life turned out all by myself without His guidance. I find myself often in awe of my heavenly father and all that He has brought me through.

Something many couples may ignore is attending authentic christain premarital/marital counselling, it should teach about the order of things, God 1st of course, love, respect, humility, selflessness etc. Once things are in the right order, its amazing how everything else falls into place.
It helps to guard your eyes, your ears from the shows you watch, what you read, who you talk to, the kind of music you listen to etc, these avenues plant seeds for a long time to come, that's why sometimes you may wonder where some of the things you do come from

Pray about what may seem like the inconsequential things and let God surprise you over and over :). I was feeling a void within myself and my hubby since our last fight, though we were getting along just great after wards, I explained it away that I was just hurt and it will heal with time. Until, I was reminded that I had to be intentional about the healing, I couldn't wait for time to do it for me. Leaving that emotional distance is not a good place to be, I decided I wasn't going to fall into the rot of this is what happens in marriage after some time. Suddenly it clicked for me! pray about that void and I can say now that I feel as close to my hubby as I was before the fight. Its just the kind of God I serve.

Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a great weekend. Ciao!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Parental drama

I'm overwhelmed with my thoughts.
My parents have been fighting like cats and dogs and have now some how intensified how they involve their children after or during the crazy fights by reporting one another to the children. My father has shared gory details of things that happened as far back as 40years ago between them that should be left between a husband and a wife, I resent him for that. It appears that he's bent on destroying her image with the children but it ain't going to work.
I find myself being resentful of them at times because I hate that with almost 40 years of marriage, they still don't have it together. That's one of the reasons I married my hubby, because there seemed to be stability in his family. I resent that a foundation was not built for me as a woman, in terms of what a good marriage should be. I strongly believe that every good parent owes their children that. I resent that all their children are now married except one in his late teens and they continue to show him these awful examples. I am now at a point where I dread picking up their phone calls, because I know mom is about to say something else about dad and vice versa.
I'm disappointed because I expect much more from them and I have no respect whatsoever for this kind of behavior.
Yes, I've tried to talk to them individually, they both do not have a teachable spirit and they shout you down when you try to let them see things a certain way, they automatically believe that you are taking sides with the other, so immature!
They are both church going Christians and I'm left to wonder what they are learning at those services.
Sad part is, I can't share the nasty details with my hubby because quite frankly they are embarrassing. So I get this silly phone calls from my parents, wanting to know if "I'm there alone" so they can unleash their crazy drama on me, one more time.
At this point, I'm resolved to no longer getting involved to the best of my ability, they have a lot of baggage over 40years or marriage and dating and I ain't no professional marriage counselor.
I believe as life partners, we have a responsibility to call one and another when we are doing wrong or when our life principles are a little warped, my parents had some pretty warped ideas while raising us, it doesn't appear that they called each other to order, and now I see them applying those same principles to one another and I can't help but think, well you deserve each other and that's what you get!

Hmmm I feel a little better now after writing this.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Another womans sudden interest in my hubby

I find it interesting that people see what you have and they want it for themselves. I mean in wanting your partner for themselves. I'm convinced some women even tell themselves thats not not they are doing. I'm just glad hubby and I discussed boundaries with people outside of our marriage just recently.
Seeing pictures of a happily married couples makes my heart smile and sometimes I wonder what war is being waged against them.
I guess its a reminder that we have to be praying wives/husbands. Putting a covering over our partners as they head out into the world. There's a woman at work that has suddenly taken an interest in my hubby, may my heavenly Father sabotage all her plans and intentions if they are not for the good of our marriage. Challenges will come, I choose not to deal with it in fear, for my God has not given me the spirit of fear, but that of power and a sound mind.

Friday, May 28, 2010

lesson number ?

Another lesson learned:

There are no guarantees in love, in marriage. I look at photographs and see what once was for some couples , makes me wonder what went wrong, where and why. Then I became of those people, everything came crashing down and I never even saw it coming. Until my instincts told me something just wasn't right. Then it all exploded, then for the 1st time, I really saw my life without him and it was painful, all so painful. We have now reconciled, we talked deeper than we ever have and I realized the areas where things went wrong and the things I took for granted. The scariest thing is, if someone had asked me a day or two before how I rated my marriage, I would say, I had a great marriage and then BOOM! but my husband was not happy and we had not taken inventory of our marriage together for a while. We were living day to day, learned to tolerate each other more. There were no explosive arguments, we didn't even know this was even more dangerous point for us because no one was expressing how they truly felt.
I'm still disappointed, I must say, because there are really no guarantees, no matter how hard you may think you are trying. Hopefully its just because the wounds are still fresh. I love my husband and I know he loves me... We are both committed to making this work. I think this just takes us to another level of commitment in this mysterious institute called marriage.
Even though we have reconciled and are on the right track, we will be going to counseling and I hope this opens our eyes even more.
My goal is not to sound like a pessimist about marriage, I would still say its very worth it, I'm glad to have married my husband. This is just sharing one of my lessons learned as the title of my blog states. Hope everyone has been doing good, I'm looking forward to getting this memorial day w/end started. Ciao people.